Day 5

Today's morning was so fucking awesome! It has such epic proportions, that I am holding off telling you the story of how I dropped 2 different cellphones in 2 different toilets. 

Today was product knowledge day. I love product knowledge days. They really are the best part of my job and the most fucking awesome time ever, I get to play with toys for hours!....So why was product knowledge day so relevant to my day 5 fucking day non-smoking habit? Because product knowledge day found itself being scheduled on a Sunday which basically meant I woke up drunk. Yeh, you all can laugh and point your fingers at me saying "ha, its your own fault" and yeh it is, but seriously if you normally work Monday to Friday and the only time to relax with your friends is on a Saturday night, you would choose having a few beers with them too. So needless to say my morning decided to set the pace for my day of the WORST CRAVINGS EVER.

So my Saturday ended very late and my day today began very..... very...... early. All I had to do today was get up, get ready, load the car with my games, get gas, get baked goods and show up to teach some games to some teenagers. I had my alarm set for bright and early 6 am. Yay 6am! and I woke up for 6 am, but my nicotine deprived, non-cigaretted brain decided that 6 am was too early. Yup, unconsciously my fingers decided to, not even press snooze, but TURN OFF THE ALRAM. This was not a good thing. I woke up in a sheer panic about 45 mins later. I believe I screamed the entire lyrics to Blink-182's "Family reunion"..I apologize mom (WARNING EXPLICT LYRICS)..http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Does-My-Breath-Smell-lyrics-Blink-182/CE25D7A6D994CDA54825689D002FF39A . 

So in my panic induced state I ripped through my room and straight into the bathroom for a much needed shower. I think we all know after a night of indulgence, nobody smells pretty sweet. I will give props to my non-smoking status though, for the first time in a century my hair did not smell as if a random bar threw up an entire pack of smoke in my hair AND my hangover was bearable! BOO YEH. but anyhow back to the bathroom and my sheer panic. I ran through my hallway smacking my knee on a drawer and smashing through the bathroom door. At this point I was blinded by my already swelling knee, so I threw myself into the shower without testing the water. For those of you who know me, you know that I enjoy the hottest showers known to man. The type of showers that make people scream in agony because they are making their skin boil. Much to my dismay my shower was not hot, it was not even luke warm, it was FUCKING COLD. and the shower was not fucking cold due to the water being out of hot water...it was pouring ice cubes due to my tired ass brain not turning the tap on all the way. 

This is when I finally woke up.

I told you this story was worth it...we arn't even out of the bathroom yet. 

 So after my much rushed shower I pulled back the curtain to hop out. What is the first thing you reach for when you get out of the shower? what is that? I can't hear you? Yes, you're right A TOWEL a fucking T-O-W-E-L. Much to my dismay my moron, tired, still partially drunk self forgot to bring a towel into the bathroom. For a guy this may not be too bad of an issue, but for me and my long hair, this is a serious problem. So I flooded the floor for a moment and decided to weigh my options. I could either A.) run through the living room naked, most likely blinding my roomate (or more likely the cat) and find a towel in my room or B.) Use the hand towel located beside the tub. On any normal day I would have rationalized the fact that my roomate doesn't get up until the afternoon on weekends, but instead my psychotic brain decided that the hand towel was the best solution. It was not.

So by this point I had made up some much needed time and I was realitvely back on schedule. This was when I walked out into the living room and saw what happens when you have a few girlfriends over for some beers. It is amazing how quickly you forget that beer cans do not belong on the floor, but instead their home should be in the box they came in. I think some ninjas came in and actually destroyed my living room after my friends left because seriously, we girls couldn't have left the apartment in this state. A nuclear bomb would have made less of a mess than I did last night. So I did what any other good roomate would do, I started cleaning up a bit. It didn't take nearly as much time as I had thought to clean up the place to the point where it was presentable (HAH NINJAS...TAKE THAT). But instead of actually finishing the job and running the dishwasher, I left it locked, without the dish soap and I didn't even run it. This confused my roomate later in the evening when she began using dirty dishes to cook with from the dishwasher because she thought they were clean. Yup.....

By this point, I was officially awake, sober and cursing every fucking thing in my life that told me I couldn't have a cigarette.  

For all of you who do not live in Toronto, last night we had a lot of rain...and then it turned to freezing rain, and then it changed into enormous fucking snowflakes that changed the sky to white, thus the entire street was fucking white this morning. Which also in turn meant that my car resembled a GIGANTIC marshmallow when I finally reached it on this already fucking silly day. I mean seriously you could not even see the sides of the damn thing. I believe I just stood there in shock thinking "A smoke would make this whole job feel a whole lot better right now". Instead I just started mumbling under my breathe random explicatives while I attempted to rationalize how I was going to get my marshmallow out of the driveway without covering myself in snow.  I came to the solution that I needed a snow blower so that I could just run it over the top of my car and spray that snow straight back where it came from. Unfortunately this was not deemed feasible, so I decided to get the brush out of my car and begin cleaning it off by hand. 

This was the plan, until I realized that nice layer of ice that I previously mentioned, had frozen the doors of my car shut. My car was not only a marshmallow, but it had a protective forcefield that was preventing me from obtaining the one thing I needed...

at this point I put the coffee i had just gotten down on the roof of the car and just hung my shoulders and head, thinking...wow...this is seriously the best day of my life. At this point I gave up on actually making it to my product knowledge early. My little girly arms did not allow me to get into the car quickly. It was my manly legs that finally allowed me the strength to get that fucking car door open. I think if someone had been watching they would have seen me grow many muscles and turn a slight shade of green because that is the only way I can rationalize the burst of strength to get that fucking door ajar. And for a moment I silently sang out joyously, like in those Disney movies when the plot finally resolves and all the animals in the forest dance triumphantly, it was such a glorious moment of achievement...until I witnessed the horror of my coffee tumbling from the roof of the car onto the snow covered driveway. I think i would have cried a little bit then if I didn't already know that my tears would instantly turn to ice.

By this point all I wanted to do was get in my fucking car and go, so I cleaned that shit like a molly maid and began the 5 minute drive down the street to my home so that I could pack up the car. The entire time my hands were white knuckling the wheel while I was telling my brain that if I just got through this morning without a smoke I would go out and buy some C4 and blow some shit up. Luckily for the population of Canada, my packing actually went smoothly and the C4 was quickly forgotten. In my mind i was screaming Hallelujah! All I had to do from here was go get the baked goods from my favourite bakery down the street and get on the highway and go. 

The Bakery didn't open until 9 am...it was 8:30..I had to be in Oakville by 9 am. I believe at this point I just looked up into the sky and thought...hmmmm...today is just not going to work. I decided to cut my losses and just find a fucking Tim Horton's to get those shitty donuts in Oakville. 

So I am finally on the highway...ready to go...fucking speeding as much as I can possibly speed on the snow covered road. Everything is going great, for the first time the QEW is actually moving at a place that can not be equated to a parking lot :> !!!!!!!! And then it hit me when I heard a strange beeping from my car, do you remember the small list of shit that i HAD to do before I left Toronto? I know this has been a long post but try to think back as I did. GAS. G-A-S. the liquid gold that I need to actually get from point A to point B. At this point I glance down at my gas gauge. I don't think it could have gotten further below the letter "E". I immediately exited the highway and found a gas station. My car chugged onto the concrete of the pump and I attempted to take the gas cap off the car.

It was stuck.

IT WAS FUCKING STUCK

IT WAS FUCKING FROZEN STUCK ON THE FUCKING CAR.

At this point I there must have been steam coming from my ears.

My brain began to formulate a plan to buy a pack of smokes at the gas station, drop a match and blow up the whole place with everyone in it. I had visions of the opening scene of the movie Romeo and Juliet in my head.  Somehow these thoughts calmed me down, and I got the nice gentleman beside my car to get the gas cap off. 

Don't worry the story is almost done.

So I get back on the highway and fucking boot it...and I mean absolutely fucking speed demon that shit down to my retailer so that i could actually get there on time (YES I AM STILL SOMEWHAT ON TIME :> ) I go get the donuts (which thank god went very smoothly) I drive over to the store and I park my car and run to the meter. I have the correct change for once in my life! I put in the toonie looked back at the meter and rejoiced because everything was great. Until I looked up at the parking sign. My dumbass brain did not notice the GIGANTIC sign that said "Sunday parking-Free". 

I just needed someone to hook up some sort of cigarette to my vein at this point. 

But nobody did and I got through it, and I did a wonderful product knowledge! I even had one of those stupid donuts...and the best part of the whole morning, one of my customers brought me a coffee. 

So that is it.  That was my cigarette free largest craving ever morning. 

I survived!