can't sleep the clown will eat me

I can't sleep.

I haven't been able to comfortably sleep since I left the cancer sticks behind.

So instead of sleeping comfortably like I should be, I am going to write to all of you silly people.

I have no interesting stories to tell tonight. I think my brain has shut off like it is supposed to be sleeping. Today I was so out of it due to my insomnia that one of my customers asked me repeatedly if I was hungover and/ or stoned. No matter how many times I told him that all I did last night was watch house and be my boring old self I think he made up his mind that I was on something the moment I walked in the door, this was most likely because I walked into the door while I was entering his store...uggg.

I have discovered that when I don't actually achieve a state of REM sleep my dreams become so much more real. Last night the strawberries ruled the Earth and we were running towards the water in order to re-create Atlantis...true story.

and every night I dream that I am still a smoker and that all of the cravings are gone and that I am enjoying that last drag over and over.

sorry there isn't too much humour tonight. I can't sleep, the clowns will eat me!!

As per Request

It is Lent time right now. For those of you who arn't Christian, this is a time when those awaiting Easter "give-up" something for 40 days. For those of you who are bad Christians (like me) it is a time to feel guilty about not giving up something for 40 days. This year I guess I unintentionally gave something up for Lent with my butt kicking, who knew! I guess this is a step to being a good catholic once again...hmm...maybe not. This year my sister-in-law (who will forever be called sister from now on because writing sister-in-law over and over again becomes so redundant) is trying Lent out for the first (?) time. For noobs to the whole lenten season this time can be very confusing and down right depressing. Without going into a whole doctorine of faith here, basically this is the time in the holy season where we are leading up to the point where some dudes very long ago crucified a good guy and low and behold he rose from the dead. So these 40 days gives us time to reflect on these crappy days and reminds us how good we actually have it.

That $100 phone bill doesn't seam so bad when you think about someone jabbing some thorns in your head. 

Anyhow, as I said before I really am a terrible Catholic, I rarely attend mass, I observe the "Commercial" holidays (yes I like presents and chocolate) and I have that unfortunate feeling of "Catholic guilt" all the time. So what I am trying to say here is that I really am not preaching...more...explaining things as I grew up with it in the most simplified terms ever.   

Anyhow I made a comment about Lent and the way I see it out on the intra-net and my sister suggested I wirte a blog about how difficult it was to give up other things in comparison to my kicking the habbit. 

So here goes as long as my memory serves.

1.) I have given up chocolate for lent more times than I can count. It kind of became my go-to in elementary school. Apparently when I was younger I ate chocolate a whole lot more than now because I can remember dreaming about it every night I went to bed.  I had chocolate horses and rivers of cocoa flowing through my brain everyday. It sucked

*difficulty in comparison to giving up smoking meter---------->Nothing

2.) I gave up my stuffed animals one year. *FAIL* Although I must have been in single digits, cuddling with my bear at night won out. I think my sleepless nights before hand had something to do with that. It also sucked.

*difficulty in comparison to giving up smoking meter------------> Well I failed....so I guess it would be more difficult

3.) I gave up meat one year. I love meat, I really do and this really did suck..I mean the first 2 weeks were just gut wrenching and terrible. But as time went on it was actually pretty great. I didn't feel the guilt of eating animals, so I actually continued this well past the 40 days for a little over a year. I can blame my brother for destorying that good eating habbit when he waved freshly BBQed ribs in front of my face.

*difficulty in comparison to giving up smoking meter------------> The first 2 weeks I felt like I wanted to eat my arm off, but after that it was actually pretty awesome.

4.) I gave up coffee one year in university. It was horrible

*difficulty in comparison to giving up smoking meter------------> So much harder...! the only thing that got me through was knowing that on Easter morning I could have a great cup of coffee.

so all in all, this is my lenten post for Bonnie here. May whatever you believe during this season make you happy and healthy. For all those participating Christians.....hahahaha....just thank God you're not fasting from sunrise to sunset. 

I smell

I smell fucking awesome. It is unbelievable! I guess the smoking killed that sense because it is coming back now in full force! For the full day I was astounded at A.) How awesome my deodorant smelled and B.) at how well my deodorant works!!! I didn't have to do 1 "armpit check" all day, because I just KNEW that they smelled fruity and great!

I also finally understand why all those girls in the shampoo commercials wave their hair around like they are attempting to be in an 80's glam band! They have to be intoxicated by the fruity wonderfulness that is shampoo! The smell lasts for bloody hours! This is also what brought about my understanding as to why guys always shy away from the pink girly soaps. This reluctant action was always a mystery to me because I could never smell the sweet scents for more than 5 minutes. I now understand that they don't want to smell pussy whipped for the WHOLE DAY!!

I also have a new appreciation for how great gain laundry detergent really does smell, all I want to do is run around sniffing my clothes!

ahhhhhh smelling..one of the many senses I took for granted :>

The Benefits of not smoking

So I mostly complain about the affects of my withdrawl in this blog. I bitch and moan about the aches and pains that happen and the incessant cravings that are enough to drive anyone mad (I keep thinking about purchasing a straight jacket).

I haven't told all of you that I have a secret, I can sing...and I can sing pretty fucking well. But this last year of smoking has really taken its toll on my singing voice. I breathe like I am an old man who is underwater, and last month I could not even make it through a song without coughing. For years I told myself that the smoking could not hurt my voice enough to make me stop. Then I started losing a note here and there. My breathing exercises became impossible and I finally realized that I was losing the one thing that truly is my natural talent and as of the end of Feb I could no longer sing comfortably so I stopped. My biggest fear was that I had destroyed my voice and it would never come back.

So almost 2 weeks into my non-smoking status I realized that I had not tried practicing in a while, and that I have a new iphone 4, and that I got a cool new app...so low and behold everyone, this is my voice now:

My range still hasn't come back and I can't sustain squat, but the fact that I could actually get a note out was the best feeling I have had in a long time.

That one is for you Dad.

:>

Day...I've stopped counting

Holy shit all you people are persistent! I know that I am really late getting this blog post up, and for that I don't apologize. It's my freaking blog! buuuuut since you all have asked so kindly for more stories I have pulled one out of my back pocket for you, but you're still going to have to wait for my swimming cellphone story...

So I have been smoke free now for a little over a week. Boo Fucking Yeh! I will say that this time around has been a whole lot easier than my last few attempts. I think this time my mind has taken control and blatantly told my body that it can't fuck around anymore. Every time I get a craving and my body tries to have a massive knee jerking reaction my brain just fucking puts it in its place. Damn straight brain, you go girl!

That is accept for the day I received my e-cigarette.

So here is a little back story on this e-cigarette deal. I've been reading about these contraptions for about 2 years now (if you don't know what they are just go to youtube and find a video you lazy bums) trying to decide whether dropping $50 on a starter kit would be worth it. In about the middle of February with my quit date looming I decided to purchase an entire kit. At that point I was anticipating WWIII with my body and I thought to myself, I better fucking prepare.

So when I ordered the stainless steal "cigarette" I purposefully decided that I would order it out of the US so that I could get nicotine in the cartridges. I'm bloody, fucking, chemically greedy! I wanted to make sure that I would be getting my fix every time I put that cigarette up to my lips. Please keep in mind that I had not gone a day without a cigarette (or less than 4 cigarettes) in about a year at this point.

Fast Forward....My ecigarette did not arrive in time for my quit day, so I got inhalers instead and we all know my opinion on the tamponess of those things.

But on Tuesday my ecigarette did arrive...and I will tell you my entire body lit up in utter confusion. I stared at the box thinking OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OMG OMG I can "smoke" again! I ripped that box open faster that a 4 year old on Christmas morning. Its not cheating its not tobacco...this is the most amazing thing ever. At this point I completely ignored that fact that I had already kicked the nicotine out of my system. That. was. a. bad. idea.

So I ran upstairs with my ecigarette, and began reading the instructions. My hands were physically shaking at the anticipation of putting this wonderful thing to my lips. I put the jig-saw pieces together and VOILA I had a working, electronic nicotine infuser ready at my disposal. I turned it on and inhaled deeply. It was the most wonderful inhale that I have ever had. Then it dawned on me...it was far too wonderful. It was identical to smoking a cigarette, accept it tasted wonderful and there was no smell. My brain turned on to that fact that this was not going to work out.

I had to break-up with my ecigarette.

My heart was screaming "no"...my entire body was begging me not to go through the hell that I knew was about to happen....again. I packaged that shit up and with a small tear handed it to georgie and requested her to hide the package. I felt like running after her screaming and throwing a temper tantrum in order to ensure that my nicotine fix would not be lost but I knew that georgie would just kick my ass (like she has in the past when dealing with me during these quit times).

And for 2 days my body went through withdrawl, again.

Moral of the story...don't revert and try a replacement therapy when you do not need it.

Day 5

Today's morning was so fucking awesome! It has such epic proportions, that I am holding off telling you the story of how I dropped 2 different cellphones in 2 different toilets. 

Today was product knowledge day. I love product knowledge days. They really are the best part of my job and the most fucking awesome time ever, I get to play with toys for hours!....So why was product knowledge day so relevant to my day 5 fucking day non-smoking habit? Because product knowledge day found itself being scheduled on a Sunday which basically meant I woke up drunk. Yeh, you all can laugh and point your fingers at me saying "ha, its your own fault" and yeh it is, but seriously if you normally work Monday to Friday and the only time to relax with your friends is on a Saturday night, you would choose having a few beers with them too. So needless to say my morning decided to set the pace for my day of the WORST CRAVINGS EVER.

So my Saturday ended very late and my day today began very..... very...... early. All I had to do today was get up, get ready, load the car with my games, get gas, get baked goods and show up to teach some games to some teenagers. I had my alarm set for bright and early 6 am. Yay 6am! and I woke up for 6 am, but my nicotine deprived, non-cigaretted brain decided that 6 am was too early. Yup, unconsciously my fingers decided to, not even press snooze, but TURN OFF THE ALRAM. This was not a good thing. I woke up in a sheer panic about 45 mins later. I believe I screamed the entire lyrics to Blink-182's "Family reunion"..I apologize mom (WARNING EXPLICT LYRICS)..http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Does-My-Breath-Smell-lyrics-Blink-182/CE25D7A6D994CDA54825689D002FF39A . 

So in my panic induced state I ripped through my room and straight into the bathroom for a much needed shower. I think we all know after a night of indulgence, nobody smells pretty sweet. I will give props to my non-smoking status though, for the first time in a century my hair did not smell as if a random bar threw up an entire pack of smoke in my hair AND my hangover was bearable! BOO YEH. but anyhow back to the bathroom and my sheer panic. I ran through my hallway smacking my knee on a drawer and smashing through the bathroom door. At this point I was blinded by my already swelling knee, so I threw myself into the shower without testing the water. For those of you who know me, you know that I enjoy the hottest showers known to man. The type of showers that make people scream in agony because they are making their skin boil. Much to my dismay my shower was not hot, it was not even luke warm, it was FUCKING COLD. and the shower was not fucking cold due to the water being out of hot water...it was pouring ice cubes due to my tired ass brain not turning the tap on all the way. 

This is when I finally woke up.

I told you this story was worth it...we arn't even out of the bathroom yet. 

 So after my much rushed shower I pulled back the curtain to hop out. What is the first thing you reach for when you get out of the shower? what is that? I can't hear you? Yes, you're right A TOWEL a fucking T-O-W-E-L. Much to my dismay my moron, tired, still partially drunk self forgot to bring a towel into the bathroom. For a guy this may not be too bad of an issue, but for me and my long hair, this is a serious problem. So I flooded the floor for a moment and decided to weigh my options. I could either A.) run through the living room naked, most likely blinding my roomate (or more likely the cat) and find a towel in my room or B.) Use the hand towel located beside the tub. On any normal day I would have rationalized the fact that my roomate doesn't get up until the afternoon on weekends, but instead my psychotic brain decided that the hand towel was the best solution. It was not.

So by this point I had made up some much needed time and I was realitvely back on schedule. This was when I walked out into the living room and saw what happens when you have a few girlfriends over for some beers. It is amazing how quickly you forget that beer cans do not belong on the floor, but instead their home should be in the box they came in. I think some ninjas came in and actually destroyed my living room after my friends left because seriously, we girls couldn't have left the apartment in this state. A nuclear bomb would have made less of a mess than I did last night. So I did what any other good roomate would do, I started cleaning up a bit. It didn't take nearly as much time as I had thought to clean up the place to the point where it was presentable (HAH NINJAS...TAKE THAT). But instead of actually finishing the job and running the dishwasher, I left it locked, without the dish soap and I didn't even run it. This confused my roomate later in the evening when she began using dirty dishes to cook with from the dishwasher because she thought they were clean. Yup.....

By this point, I was officially awake, sober and cursing every fucking thing in my life that told me I couldn't have a cigarette.  

For all of you who do not live in Toronto, last night we had a lot of rain...and then it turned to freezing rain, and then it changed into enormous fucking snowflakes that changed the sky to white, thus the entire street was fucking white this morning. Which also in turn meant that my car resembled a GIGANTIC marshmallow when I finally reached it on this already fucking silly day. I mean seriously you could not even see the sides of the damn thing. I believe I just stood there in shock thinking "A smoke would make this whole job feel a whole lot better right now". Instead I just started mumbling under my breathe random explicatives while I attempted to rationalize how I was going to get my marshmallow out of the driveway without covering myself in snow.  I came to the solution that I needed a snow blower so that I could just run it over the top of my car and spray that snow straight back where it came from. Unfortunately this was not deemed feasible, so I decided to get the brush out of my car and begin cleaning it off by hand. 

This was the plan, until I realized that nice layer of ice that I previously mentioned, had frozen the doors of my car shut. My car was not only a marshmallow, but it had a protective forcefield that was preventing me from obtaining the one thing I needed...

at this point I put the coffee i had just gotten down on the roof of the car and just hung my shoulders and head, thinking...wow...this is seriously the best day of my life. At this point I gave up on actually making it to my product knowledge early. My little girly arms did not allow me to get into the car quickly. It was my manly legs that finally allowed me the strength to get that fucking car door open. I think if someone had been watching they would have seen me grow many muscles and turn a slight shade of green because that is the only way I can rationalize the burst of strength to get that fucking door ajar. And for a moment I silently sang out joyously, like in those Disney movies when the plot finally resolves and all the animals in the forest dance triumphantly, it was such a glorious moment of achievement...until I witnessed the horror of my coffee tumbling from the roof of the car onto the snow covered driveway. I think i would have cried a little bit then if I didn't already know that my tears would instantly turn to ice.

By this point all I wanted to do was get in my fucking car and go, so I cleaned that shit like a molly maid and began the 5 minute drive down the street to my home so that I could pack up the car. The entire time my hands were white knuckling the wheel while I was telling my brain that if I just got through this morning without a smoke I would go out and buy some C4 and blow some shit up. Luckily for the population of Canada, my packing actually went smoothly and the C4 was quickly forgotten. In my mind i was screaming Hallelujah! All I had to do from here was go get the baked goods from my favourite bakery down the street and get on the highway and go. 

The Bakery didn't open until 9 am...it was 8:30..I had to be in Oakville by 9 am. I believe at this point I just looked up into the sky and thought...hmmmm...today is just not going to work. I decided to cut my losses and just find a fucking Tim Horton's to get those shitty donuts in Oakville. 

So I am finally on the highway...ready to go...fucking speeding as much as I can possibly speed on the snow covered road. Everything is going great, for the first time the QEW is actually moving at a place that can not be equated to a parking lot :> !!!!!!!! And then it hit me when I heard a strange beeping from my car, do you remember the small list of shit that i HAD to do before I left Toronto? I know this has been a long post but try to think back as I did. GAS. G-A-S. the liquid gold that I need to actually get from point A to point B. At this point I glance down at my gas gauge. I don't think it could have gotten further below the letter "E". I immediately exited the highway and found a gas station. My car chugged onto the concrete of the pump and I attempted to take the gas cap off the car.

It was stuck.

IT WAS FUCKING STUCK

IT WAS FUCKING FROZEN STUCK ON THE FUCKING CAR.

At this point I there must have been steam coming from my ears.

My brain began to formulate a plan to buy a pack of smokes at the gas station, drop a match and blow up the whole place with everyone in it. I had visions of the opening scene of the movie Romeo and Juliet in my head.  Somehow these thoughts calmed me down, and I got the nice gentleman beside my car to get the gas cap off. 

Don't worry the story is almost done.

So I get back on the highway and fucking boot it...and I mean absolutely fucking speed demon that shit down to my retailer so that i could actually get there on time (YES I AM STILL SOMEWHAT ON TIME :> ) I go get the donuts (which thank god went very smoothly) I drive over to the store and I park my car and run to the meter. I have the correct change for once in my life! I put in the toonie looked back at the meter and rejoiced because everything was great. Until I looked up at the parking sign. My dumbass brain did not notice the GIGANTIC sign that said "Sunday parking-Free". 

I just needed someone to hook up some sort of cigarette to my vein at this point. 

But nobody did and I got through it, and I did a wonderful product knowledge! I even had one of those stupid donuts...and the best part of the whole morning, one of my customers brought me a coffee. 

So that is it.  That was my cigarette free largest craving ever morning. 

I survived!

 

Day 3/ Day 4

Yes it is actually Day 4, yes I realize that I didn't post yesterday. I'll do a combined post for all of you that have discovered that I am actually a hysterical writer. I'm not very funny in real life but apparently you all get your panties in a knot when I start to talk about my tampon and machine gun fetish.

Hokay...so onto the good stuff!

Day 4...what a fucking weird day.

Yesterday was terrible for cravings for one reason and one reason alone...the archives. For all of you who do not know, myself and a friend are putting together a presentation on historical photography showing rural communities and farming in the early 1900's for a presentation in Illinois in June. Which means that we have been spending a lot of time at the archives looking at very..very..very old photographs. For most of you your thoughts may strive into the realm of "why is this significant to your smoking addiction Michelle?" well it isn't, accept for the fact that the archives are extremely quiet, you can't eat or drink, and you are wearing rubber gloves. I couldn't even use my fake nicotine inhaler in that reading room. It is literally a pit of a place daring you to think about smoking every second you are there. And the thing that I also realized while starting at photographs from the 1900's is that EVERY FUCKING PERSON SMOKED IN THE 1800'S!

You don't see it too often in the photos because most of them are portraits of people in a studio that look like they have a stick up their butt gluing them to their chair...but its those photos that show some sort of natural life that you realize tobacco was like vitamins in those days, either you were smoking it or chewing it. Which bring me to my entire point of this post. Every time I saw some guy in his lumberjack outfit with a fag in his hand I just wanted to reach into the picture and steal his obviously terribly rolled cigarette. I must have looked oh so appealing to the girl at the reference desk, every time I pulled out a photo. It was like I turned into a labouring mother. "Breathe in and out...good" and again "breathe in and out...good". Now normally this technique would not be so noticeable, due to the fact that in the majority of places there is some semblance of noise, but in the archives some can rip the tiniest of farts and you will have the person sitting across the room muttering under their breath "Jesus can't they just be quiet over there". Needless to say I think the other people who were occupying the room must have thought that I had some sort of debilitating disease because of my hyper ventilation at the sight of some dead guy enjoying a cigarette.

So in an attempt to save my sanity, I ventured over to the greatest food court ever *please insert the most obnoxious sarcastic tone* York Lanes. If I thought the receptionist was bad for staring at my inhaler, the university students who occupy York Lanes should be given an award. It was like I was an alien. I was the older woman walking around the university center sucking on some white thing that looked very dirty to them. I know I heard some giggles from the girls sitting around me. And then the noise began and my attention, and the attention of the entire University center looked towards this pounding dancing aboriginal drum circle. I thought to myself, "Huh, what a weird fucking day...at least this will keep me distracted" and it did...I even took a video...

But then to my absolute HORROR I thought I heard someone start talking about the sacred tobacco and why it was so important in the aboriginal culture...At this moment I booked it. I must have looked like the flash with how quickly I got up and out of there. I don't even think the people around me realized I was moving I was that quick. I should have been given an olympic gold medal for sprinting for that glorious dash.

And today...well today nothing interesting has happened yet. I'll let you know if it does. DAY FUCKING 4 THOUGH!!! BOOYEH!