The Benefits of not smoking

So I mostly complain about the affects of my withdrawl in this blog. I bitch and moan about the aches and pains that happen and the incessant cravings that are enough to drive anyone mad (I keep thinking about purchasing a straight jacket).

I haven't told all of you that I have a secret, I can sing...and I can sing pretty fucking well. But this last year of smoking has really taken its toll on my singing voice. I breathe like I am an old man who is underwater, and last month I could not even make it through a song without coughing. For years I told myself that the smoking could not hurt my voice enough to make me stop. Then I started losing a note here and there. My breathing exercises became impossible and I finally realized that I was losing the one thing that truly is my natural talent and as of the end of Feb I could no longer sing comfortably so I stopped. My biggest fear was that I had destroyed my voice and it would never come back.

So almost 2 weeks into my non-smoking status I realized that I had not tried practicing in a while, and that I have a new iphone 4, and that I got a cool new app...so low and behold everyone, this is my voice now:

My range still hasn't come back and I can't sustain squat, but the fact that I could actually get a note out was the best feeling I have had in a long time.

That one is for you Dad.

:>

Day...I've stopped counting

Holy shit all you people are persistent! I know that I am really late getting this blog post up, and for that I don't apologize. It's my freaking blog! buuuuut since you all have asked so kindly for more stories I have pulled one out of my back pocket for you, but you're still going to have to wait for my swimming cellphone story...

So I have been smoke free now for a little over a week. Boo Fucking Yeh! I will say that this time around has been a whole lot easier than my last few attempts. I think this time my mind has taken control and blatantly told my body that it can't fuck around anymore. Every time I get a craving and my body tries to have a massive knee jerking reaction my brain just fucking puts it in its place. Damn straight brain, you go girl!

That is accept for the day I received my e-cigarette.

So here is a little back story on this e-cigarette deal. I've been reading about these contraptions for about 2 years now (if you don't know what they are just go to youtube and find a video you lazy bums) trying to decide whether dropping $50 on a starter kit would be worth it. In about the middle of February with my quit date looming I decided to purchase an entire kit. At that point I was anticipating WWIII with my body and I thought to myself, I better fucking prepare.

So when I ordered the stainless steal "cigarette" I purposefully decided that I would order it out of the US so that I could get nicotine in the cartridges. I'm bloody, fucking, chemically greedy! I wanted to make sure that I would be getting my fix every time I put that cigarette up to my lips. Please keep in mind that I had not gone a day without a cigarette (or less than 4 cigarettes) in about a year at this point.

Fast Forward....My ecigarette did not arrive in time for my quit day, so I got inhalers instead and we all know my opinion on the tamponess of those things.

But on Tuesday my ecigarette did arrive...and I will tell you my entire body lit up in utter confusion. I stared at the box thinking OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OMG OMG I can "smoke" again! I ripped that box open faster that a 4 year old on Christmas morning. Its not cheating its not tobacco...this is the most amazing thing ever. At this point I completely ignored that fact that I had already kicked the nicotine out of my system. That. was. a. bad. idea.

So I ran upstairs with my ecigarette, and began reading the instructions. My hands were physically shaking at the anticipation of putting this wonderful thing to my lips. I put the jig-saw pieces together and VOILA I had a working, electronic nicotine infuser ready at my disposal. I turned it on and inhaled deeply. It was the most wonderful inhale that I have ever had. Then it dawned on me...it was far too wonderful. It was identical to smoking a cigarette, accept it tasted wonderful and there was no smell. My brain turned on to that fact that this was not going to work out.

I had to break-up with my ecigarette.

My heart was screaming "no"...my entire body was begging me not to go through the hell that I knew was about to happen....again. I packaged that shit up and with a small tear handed it to georgie and requested her to hide the package. I felt like running after her screaming and throwing a temper tantrum in order to ensure that my nicotine fix would not be lost but I knew that georgie would just kick my ass (like she has in the past when dealing with me during these quit times).

And for 2 days my body went through withdrawl, again.

Moral of the story...don't revert and try a replacement therapy when you do not need it.

Day 3/ Day 4

Yes it is actually Day 4, yes I realize that I didn't post yesterday. I'll do a combined post for all of you that have discovered that I am actually a hysterical writer. I'm not very funny in real life but apparently you all get your panties in a knot when I start to talk about my tampon and machine gun fetish.

Hokay...so onto the good stuff!

Day 4...what a fucking weird day.

Yesterday was terrible for cravings for one reason and one reason alone...the archives. For all of you who do not know, myself and a friend are putting together a presentation on historical photography showing rural communities and farming in the early 1900's for a presentation in Illinois in June. Which means that we have been spending a lot of time at the archives looking at very..very..very old photographs. For most of you your thoughts may strive into the realm of "why is this significant to your smoking addiction Michelle?" well it isn't, accept for the fact that the archives are extremely quiet, you can't eat or drink, and you are wearing rubber gloves. I couldn't even use my fake nicotine inhaler in that reading room. It is literally a pit of a place daring you to think about smoking every second you are there. And the thing that I also realized while starting at photographs from the 1900's is that EVERY FUCKING PERSON SMOKED IN THE 1800'S!

You don't see it too often in the photos because most of them are portraits of people in a studio that look like they have a stick up their butt gluing them to their chair...but its those photos that show some sort of natural life that you realize tobacco was like vitamins in those days, either you were smoking it or chewing it. Which bring me to my entire point of this post. Every time I saw some guy in his lumberjack outfit with a fag in his hand I just wanted to reach into the picture and steal his obviously terribly rolled cigarette. I must have looked oh so appealing to the girl at the reference desk, every time I pulled out a photo. It was like I turned into a labouring mother. "Breathe in and out...good" and again "breathe in and out...good". Now normally this technique would not be so noticeable, due to the fact that in the majority of places there is some semblance of noise, but in the archives some can rip the tiniest of farts and you will have the person sitting across the room muttering under their breath "Jesus can't they just be quiet over there". Needless to say I think the other people who were occupying the room must have thought that I had some sort of debilitating disease because of my hyper ventilation at the sight of some dead guy enjoying a cigarette.

So in an attempt to save my sanity, I ventured over to the greatest food court ever *please insert the most obnoxious sarcastic tone* York Lanes. If I thought the receptionist was bad for staring at my inhaler, the university students who occupy York Lanes should be given an award. It was like I was an alien. I was the older woman walking around the university center sucking on some white thing that looked very dirty to them. I know I heard some giggles from the girls sitting around me. And then the noise began and my attention, and the attention of the entire University center looked towards this pounding dancing aboriginal drum circle. I thought to myself, "Huh, what a weird fucking day...at least this will keep me distracted" and it did...I even took a video...

But then to my absolute HORROR I thought I heard someone start talking about the sacred tobacco and why it was so important in the aboriginal culture...At this moment I booked it. I must have looked like the flash with how quickly I got up and out of there. I don't even think the people around me realized I was moving I was that quick. I should have been given an olympic gold medal for sprinting for that glorious dash.

And today...well today nothing interesting has happened yet. I'll let you know if it does. DAY FUCKING 4 THOUGH!!! BOOYEH!

  

Day 2

So I am onto day 2. Today was a day where I got outside and had to hang with my boss all day. In other words...I always forget that Day 2 fucking sucks just as bad as day 1, and today I got to drive in downtown traffic, discuss budgetary stuff for work and then hang out in reception for an hour while my boss (who is actually pretty awesome) had a meeting. Boy this day just constituted a fucking cigarette. But I held true~! And I did this by using my trusty inhaler. Why is this significant?

Because you look pretty stupid when you are sitting in a reception area for an hour with a little white tampon looking thing hanging from your mouth.

I could just see the receptionist sneaking little glances my way...her little brain thinking, why is that woman sucking on a tampon. I tried to signal her and tell her that it was not an absorbing thing, it was the inhaler that I needed to continually suck on in order to give me the right amount of nicotine to continue functioning in a way that did not make me murderous. Maybe it would have been better to just pull out a tommy gun to get her attention just to say "I am not Crazy, I am an addict". But I think that may have made the situation worse.

So beyond the receptionist that now thinks I like to eat tampons, I discovered a very significant thing over the past 2 days. Not only does the inhaler make me look like a true feminist in all the wrong senses of the word...but it also tastes like absolute crap. The first time I inhaled i expected some sort of sweet relief to my fanatical addiction, instead I received a mouthful of a taste that I can only equate to sucking on balloons. Yup, you know you did this while you were a kid..sucking on a balloon. Now I know it is difficult but bring yourself back to that god awful taste. Now times that crummyiness by about 1000 so that it makes your tongue numb. This is what the inhaler tastes like. I'm almost thinking the cop-out of the gum may be a good way to go.

So all in all day 2 was quite successful.....no tobacco inhaled...no receptionists killed...and nicotine levels at a declining amount...

onto Day 3